broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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