You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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