Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
