You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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