on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
