I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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