he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
