i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
