If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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