how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
