There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
