One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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