did you get engaged???
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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