i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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