Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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