My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
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