Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
