apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Semen is not good for contacts.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Randomize
