one might say we're banned from that church
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
