everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
