I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
