He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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