i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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