Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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