my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I think I sprained my soul last night
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
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