When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
We left the knife in your bed.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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