I never want to see another naked old woman again.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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