if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
