I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
