I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
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