am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
