new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
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