I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Randomize
