when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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