I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
no it's cool...i'm just drinking and studying...cool night
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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