i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
