...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
