Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
