Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
