I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
