Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
