Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
