Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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