At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
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