Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Randomize
