I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
