glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
