i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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