I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
