what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
